He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
