Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize