i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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