I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
