He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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