She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
