Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
