If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
