I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
