I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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