Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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