You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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