i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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