Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize