my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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