After last night, I could never be a politician.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
