I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
