So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
