Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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