My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
