I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i think i just lost a toe
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
