As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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