Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Never underestimate the power of titties
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
