i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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