Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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