I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
