please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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