Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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