omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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