Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
