why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
