yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
