You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Pants are for mortals
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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