I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
