the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
