why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
