Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
