your parents love me but you hate me
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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