I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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