me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
