R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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