i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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