Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
