We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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