i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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