I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
