Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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