dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Everything about him screamed your future.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize