If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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