I must be too annoying 4 u.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
