I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
