Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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