My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
