Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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