Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
