The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize