you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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