I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You are the jesus of drinking
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
