My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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