On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
