And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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