i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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