I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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