I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
