dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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