Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
